If I Don't Belong
by danniperson
Summary: Harry's living the perfect life he never wanted. Sequel of To Just Stay Alive and No One Will Ever See.
1. Chapter 1

**IF I DON'T BELONG**

_Chapter One_

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It was Harry's third time drinking firewhiskey, and it was no easier than the other times. Harry wondered if it ever did and bitterly considered that maybe, like life, it would never get easier…It was something to endure. He continued to drink through his coughs and hiccups until they ceased, one glass after the other.

"C'mon, Evan. Let's say goodnight to Dada," Ginny muttered quietly, coming around the couch that Harry was sitting on. In her arms was a yawning one year old boy with thick red hair and vivid emerald green eyes. Harry paused in pouring himself another glass, not feeling near the shame he figured he ought to. Men with beautiful wives and adorable sons shouldn't want to drink themselves into a stupor. He wanted to be a good dad to his son, not some drunken asshole his son couldn't count on. This was only Harry's third drink of the stuff in his life, and the first since the birth of his child, Evan James Potter. There was no harm or shame in one bottle of firewhiskey after one long, hard day, was there? Maybe the entire bottle was a bit much, but to Harry it was tradition…If he opened the bottle, it was for good reason, and he couldn't stop until every last drop was in his system.

"Hey, Evan," Harry muttered, reaching out to take his young son. Evan reached out eagerly and gasped onto Harry's sweater and leaned in to place a slobbery kiss on his cheek. "Dada!" Evan exclaimed happily and Harry chuckled and kissed his son's wet cheek. "I love you…Night, buddy," Harry whispered, tickling his son's belly for a moment before letting Ginny take him back. Ginny said nothing, only offering a sympathetic smile before carrying their son upstairs. If only she really knew why he needed the drink.

The Auror department had been spending years arresting and trying different witches and wizards on charges of being a Death Eater and all of the crimes the group had committed. Some, like Bellatrix Lestrange, held onto the same hope she held onto the first time Voldemort fell, believing he was still alive and would return to them one day. Others wished to avenge their master's death. A minority simply wished to carry on with Voldemort's beliefs, not truly caring much about the man himself. There were brutal murders, rapes, and tortures happening all over Europe to those who had bravely fought in the war against Voldemort, but never frequent enough to give them much hope of finding anything. The new Head Auror, Kingsley Shackelbolt, had recently reached out to Severus Snape in hopes that the old spy would be able to provide them with any useful information.

For weeks, Snape denied them and Harry was grateful for it. Just the mention of the man's name made him feel miserable, Harry couldn't imagine what would happen to him if the man actually showed up. He did, though. Today, in the middle of the day, Snape showed up to give them the answers they needed and Kingsley wanted Harry to be there. The entire time! Several hours of today he spent in the presence of the man he still loved deeply. Now and then the man would shoot him an amused look that made him feel humiliation all over again, remembering their night together three years ago, the day before his wedding to Ginny. He was so close to the man, yet so far. He wanted to touch him and kiss him and beg him for something, even if Harry couldn't quite define what that something was. It was like torture, but Harry sat bravely through it, doing his best to not react to anything and to get through his job.

Immediately after work, Harry had gone out to purchase this bottle of firewhiskey. He was tempted to buy more…Harry knew that this wasn't going to be Snape's last visit to the Auror's office. They would probably need his help until every last Death Eater was found. He also knew that if he had bought more than one bottle, he would be drinking more than one bottle tonight. He would just have to get them as the time called for them.

He had only seen the man once in the past five years since the battle. Yet somehow, he still harbored those deep feelings for the man. He could never truly be happy with Ginny because he had never gotten over Severus Snape and Harry didn't think he ever would. How was it that such a cruel bastard had captured and held onto his heart for so long? What was so good about Severus Snape? A voice in his head demanded bitterly.

He was brave. One of the bravest men Harry knew. He had made a mistake in his youth in becoming a Death Eater, but he spent so much of his life repenting for those past sins. He was strong. He continuously went to Voldemort, no matter how many times the Dark Lord tortured him and no matter every time he went, he was risking his life. He was brilliant. He was one of the most clever men Harry had ever met. He excelled at so many things: Potions, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Charms, dueling, spellcraft, Occlumency, nonverbal and wandless magic…He was amazing. And he cared. The man was a master in the art of hiding things. He had survived as a spy for a long time because of that. But Harry knew he cared…About his students and colleagues. He had risked a lot in being a spy to help them and to save them. There was so much more to Severus Snape than the evil greasy git Harry had thought him to be for his first few years at school. Snape had been through so much and he had survived and he was still surviving, despite the prejudice others had against him as an ex Death Eater, despite all of the horrible things people still said about him and did to him for his past crimes. And Harry loved him more than he loved just about anybody. There was no getting over a man like Severus Snape. At least not for Harry Potter.

Harry downed the contents of his glass and refilled it eagerly. He wanted to drink until he forgot or drink until he couldn't feel the pain anymore, but in his experience, alcohol had never quite worked the way he wanted it to. There was no hope for him; no matter what he did he'd be haunted by those dark eyes and that deep voice with its sarcastic remarks that could seduce Harry even at their cruelest. He had never truly forgotten and that love and pain had never gone away, but he had found a way to make it bearable…He fooled himself most days into accepting his perfect life and even thinking kindly of it. It wasn't the life he wanted, but he had at least stopped focusing so much on his misery and at least tried to look at things in a better light. He had a family now, a real family like one he had never really had. He had a good job and good friends and a beautiful, talented, and caring wife. He had a lot to be grateful for and he knew it and he felt rotten for not being happy with it. Seeing Snape today only made it all so much worse.

"Hey, honey," Ginny said quietly, coming up behind him and placing her hands on his shoulders, massaging gently.

Harry wanted to say something…He felt he owed it to her to say or do something nice. She was always so good to him. He really didn't know why he couldn't love her. "Hey," Harry grunted, drinking more of his firewhiskey and filling up another glass.

"Might want to slow down with that, Harry," Ginny said quietly, frowning, still rubbing his shoulders. Harry tensed up beneath her hands so she just rested them there for a moment.

"No…I don't," Harry replied quietly, gulping down more of it, enjoying the feel of it stinging down his throat. "I really need this tonight, Ginny."

"Okay, Harry," Ginny said after a moment, leaning over to kiss the top of his head. "I know it must be hard…Facing all of them…And with…with so many people we know dying," Ginny said, voice cracking slightly. A couple of her old school friends, her year in Huffelpuff, had been among the recent murdered. Harry swallowed hard and drank more firewhiskey. He should be comforting Ginny and being there for her, not pitying himself because he wasn't with the person he wanted to be with. He felt like he should say or do something, but he just raised his glass to his lips again every time he felt like he should do something. He was tired of doing the things he should do.

"Yeah…It's hard," Harry muttered, unable to get the man's face out of his head. All he could see was that sneer and the way those long fingers drummed against the table or traced those thin lips. He could hear every word insulting his intelligence and questioning Kingsley about allowing such incompetent fools on the Auror squad. He remembered using every ounce of self control he possessed to not reach across that table to grab the man and snog him senseless.

How on Earth could Harry feel so much for the man and Snape felt no different about him at all?

Harry wanted to scream, so he just drank. He didn't want to be an Auror, he didn't want to be married to Ginny, he didn't want to live in this house, he didn't want this life at all. This was the Harry James Potter people wanted, though. This was who he had to be. It was his responsibility. He was their hero, their role model…It wasn't like he could have what he did want. Why not live his life for everyone else? he thought bitterly.

"Well…I have practice early in the morning," Ginny said uncertainly, her hands still hovering over Harry's arms. "I should probably get to bed…Unless…"

"I'm fine, Ginny. You go to bed," Harry assured her, pouring himself another glass.

"Okay…Good night," Ginny said, leaning down and Harry obediently turned his head to kiss his wife. "It'll all get better soon…Just remember, I'm always here when you need me," she whispered, kissing the side of his head before standing up and walking away. Harry sipped his firewhiskey as he listened to her walk upstairs. His green eyes glared at the walls, at all of the happy family pictures. Harry and Ginny's wedding day, pregnant Ginny, Evan's birth…The perfect little Potter family smiling down from the walls, like they were mocking him. Harry fingered his wand, thinking of spells he could use to hide the pictures or send them away. He didn't want to look at them. He didn't want to be here.

He finished off his glass and laid back on the couch, sloshing around the liquid left in the bottle. He had a little less than half left. With a flick of his wand the lights went out and the living room was black. He didn't have to feel their eyes on him. He didn't have to fall asleep beside his too perfect wife. He lifted his bottle blindly to his mouth and slowly drank and drank and drank, never moving the bottle and just staring into the darkness until there was nothing left.

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**Author's Note: **So I was going to make you wait longer, but I have zero patience and I already had the two previous stories and this chapter written lol. Anyway, this is the sequel to To Just Stay Alive and No One Will Ever See. Every story in this series are lyrics from the song "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace. I am not giving up on Lost and Damned, but I find that having a side project makes things easier, for when I get burned out on one story and need something fresh to work on. I'll try to get a new chapter of Lost and Damned up ASAP and work on the second chapter of this sometime this week. Please review! You know I love it!


	2. Chapter 2

**IF I DON'T BELONG**

_Chapter Two_

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Harry left for work early the following morning. Being in that house was, at the moment, unbearable. With the excuse of finishing up paperwork, he headed to the Ministry of Magic. He didn't go straight towards the Auror Office, though, instead opting to head to Level Four to hunt down Hermione's office in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Luckily at this time of morning, everything was relatively quiet and he didn't have to worry much about every closing door making him feel like a new bomb was exploding in his head.

At Hermione's office he knocked and opened the door when she told him to enter. "Hey, Mione," he said, closing the door as carefully as possible.

"Harry!" Hermione said warmly, but she frowned when he turned to face her. "Are you okay?"

"Hangover," Harry replied, rubbing his temples as he plopped down into an empty chair beside her desk.

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "What brought this on?"

"Snape," Harry said simply, slumping down in the chair.

"Oh…Neville did say he came in to help with the Death Eaters," Hermione said frowning, concern filling her chocolate brown eyes. "You saw him?"

"Kingsley wanted me in the room with them," Harry grunted. "Since I'm on the case…He wanted everyone in there who could be and I was one of those lucky people," he said bitterly.

"Ooooh goodness," Hermione sighed, pushing her quill and parchment aside and turning her chair a bit so she could face him better. Hermione was the only one who knew about his feelings for Snape…The only one he had told about the kiss and about cheating on Ginny the day before their wedding. "So you're still not…?"

"Over it? No. Not that lucky," he sighed. "I don't understand it. Ginny is great…Evan is great…My life is great, right? But I don't want it," he said, feeling the urge to kick the side of Hermione's desk or do something, but figured it would be rude to do so. "I want _him_. Even after all of these years, one look at him and just…I dunno. It hurt, how much I wanted him."

Hermione pursed her lips and tapped her fingers on the top of her desk for a minute. "Maybe…it's because you've dwelled on it for too much. Did you ever really try to get over him?"

"Yes!" Harry said defensively, though he couldn't help but wonder if maybe Hermione was right. Had he really tried to get over Snape? Why was it even this hard? They had never really had anything and the man had never been anything other than cruel.

"I think," Hermione said, "that you might have held onto your feelings for him purposefully, in a way. You aren't very honest with things, Harry. You went into a marriage you didn't want with a woman you don't love because that was what people wanted. You went into Auror training because that was what people expected after the war. Loving Snape was the only thing that was really you…If you actually chose a life that you actually wanted and lived the way that would make you happy, then, I think, you might have been able to and would even be able to now, get over him."

Harry blinked in surprise at Hermione's analysis and couldn't help but laugh. "You're really smart, you know."

"Yes, I know," Hermione said with a small smile. "Really, Harry…It isn't fair to you or Ginny or even Evan to keep up this farce."

"It isn't a 'farce'," Harry replied, sighing heavily. "It's just my life."

"Harry, if you're not happy, you're not doing anyone a favor," Hermione said wisely.

Harry nodded slowly and found it hard to look at his best friend. On some level, he knew that she was right. He couldn't be happy in the life he was living now, but giving it up would be hard. He didn't want to hurt Ginny…Even if he wasn't in love with her, he still cared about her a great deal. And Evan…He wanted his son to have everything he didn't. A loving home with two parents…He wanted Evan to have the very best life possible. He shouldn't have to deal with divorcing parents and a gay dad. Merlin only knew how crazy the _Daily Prophet_ would get if they found out he preferred men. The gay rights movement was going strong in the Wizarding world, but there was still a lot of prejudice. He couldn't even think of a good way out of his job, considering he had no idea what it was he actually wanted to do as his career. Professional Quidditch was a viable option, he supposed, but that was Ginny's thing and she was gone enough as it was with her Quidditch schedule.

To Harry, there was no real way out of it.

"He's coming back in today," Harry said.

Hermione frowned sympathetically and reached out to pat his knee comfortingly. "It'll be okay, Harry. You're strong…Just remember that. Just try not to think about him too much and just focus on the job…Which you should be doing anyway," she added with a teasing smile.

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Harry stayed with Hermione in her office for a little over an hour, perfectly content to just sit there while she worked, making small talk now and then until it was time for him to head to the Auror Office. He could feel nothing but dread and some perverse sense of excitement mingled in. He could get through this, he told himself, and he wouldn't go through an entire bottle of firewhiskey tonight. He would go home and spend time with his wife and his son and he would be fine.

It really was such a shame he decided to stop by the restroom on his way to the Office. He was washing his hands when the door opened, and didn't pay much mind to who it was until the dark, familiar figure came up behind him, hardly noticed until Harry looked up into the mirror to see Severus Snape's reflection behind his. Harry gasped in surprise and spun around to look at the man.

"Don't tell me you're going to hide in here today, Potter," Snape said.

"Why would I be hiding?" he asked, wishing he sounded a bit more confident, a bit stronger.

Snape chuckled and moved out from behind him to wash his own hands in the sink beside Harry's. "No reason. It would be pathetic, after all, if you still harbored your ridiculous crush after all this time," Snape said, his comment making Harry feel nauseated. He smirked as he picked up a towel to dry his hands and turned back to face Harry. "Wouldn't it?"

"Yeah. Pathetic," he said, body moving to face Snape as the man walked around him until he found himself pressed back against the sink.

"Though I must wonder why you've been acting so strangely," Snape said quietly, moving ever closer. Harry's heart was racing, his palms sweaty as he grasped the sides of the sink behind him, and found it increasingly difficult to remember how to breathe.

"Umm…" Harry said, licking his lips.

Snape's mouth was very close to his now. Harry swallowed hard, entirely frozen by the feel of warm breath against his face, the smell of mint assaulting his nose. "You are a very stupid boy," Snape murmured.

"Uh huh," Harry said, brain entirely uncooperative by this point.

Then they were kissing. Harry wasn't even sure who started it, only that warm, thin lips were on his and he had never enjoyed the taste of mint so much in his life. He immediately wrapped his arms around Snape to hold him close while he felt strong arms encircling his own body. He moaned as Snape grabbed his arse and squeezed firmly, using this grip to pull him ever closer, pressing his hardness into Snape's leg and feeling the older man's arousal pressed into his stomach.

Snape had him completely under his spell and there was no thinking this through. All he knew was his sudden raging desire and desperate need for anything to do with Snape. He hardly registered that Snape was steering him around and back towards the stalls, even as he stumbled backwards under Snape's direction. Once within a stall, Snape slammed him roughly against the wall of it, moving away only momentarily to glance around the outside of it before closing and locking it. Harry gasped for air and was only starting to come down from his high when Snape was back on him.

"Just as uncontrolled as always," Snape all but purred, that voice sending shivers down his spine and going straight to his already aching arousal. The words themselves didn't make much sense, but his tone was utterly seductive. "Pathetic."

And Snape was kissing him deeply again. Harry had never felt so lost before, so completely gone and a slave to his desire. He had never wanted anyone or anything as he did Snape. This was everything he had been dreaming about over and over again for years. This was every fantasy he had entertained since discovering he had feelings for the greasy git. Neither of their previous two meetings had been quite as intense as this was, enough to leave his body melting against Snape and his mind a dizzy and wild mess.

He felt confused when Snape pulled away, eyes flickering open as he felt a pressure on his shoulders. He was captivated by the intense look in Snape's eyes and let himself be guided down to his knees. His brain was able to somewhat come back to him as Snape pulled open his robes, still staring down at him with those lustful eyes. He knew enough to know what Snape wanted from him and somehow, Harry didn't think he had it in him to deny the man. He was too caught up in this to even imagine pulling away now. His heart was thudding almost painfully in his chest as he raised shaking hands to the man's trousers and fumbled with the button and the zipper before tugging the pants and the underwear down, gaze torn from Snape's as his long, thick cock sprung free. He had never really gotten a good look at the man's dick during their one night together, and looking now, it didn't surprise him that it had hurt so much.

_This_ was what he wanted, he thought, as he wrapped his hand around the base of his member. He felt a strong nervous excitement as long fingers entangled in his hair, pulling his face closer. He had never done this before, but he had gotten enough blow jobs from Ginny to have an idea of what he should be doing. He began pumping his hand up and down the shaft as he flicked his tongue out to run across the head. Those fingers steadily combed through his hair as he wrapped his lips around the head and sucked gently there for a moment before sliding more of the thick cock into his mouth. He made sure to be extra careful of his teeth and slowly slid his tongue all around what was in his mouth while his hand continued working at what wasn't. There was something strange but pleasant about the feel of having a cock in his mouth, mainly enjoyable in his eagerness to acquaint himself with Snape this way, wanting to learn every inch of him by sight and taste and feel and smell…even by hearing, hoping he could draw some moans or any sound of pleasure from the man above him.

Harry had never, ever wanted to please anyone more.

He took as much as he could into his mouth before slowly sliding back down, lips wrapped just around the head once again as he glanced up at Snape's face. The look in those dark eyes was enough to encourage him on. He began moving again, licking and sucking and taking more into his mouth before sliding back, moving his hand the best he could, though it was hard to find a good rhythm to match. He groaned when the fingers in his hair tightened and a quiet moan escaped the older man, pleased by the knowledge that he had to be doing a decent job. His own erection was painful by now and he desperately wanted to cum, but he didn't dare stop what he was doing with Snape, afraid that if he tried to focus his attention on anything else it would be a disaster somewhere. He was going to give Snape his very best and (hopefully) make him want more.

Snape was too controlled to show much, but Harry found ways of telling he was enjoying himself. Snape kept running his fingers through Harry's hair the whole time, a very relaxing and comforting feeling. Now and then, though, he could feel those fingers tightening and grasping at his hair…Sometimes he would thrust his hips forward slightly and Harry would have to pull back quickly, a bit too afraid to let him do too much. The few sounds he let escape, though, were the most glorious…Sharp intakes of breath, quiet moans and grunts, every sound shooting straight to his cock and making him more and more aware of his own need.

After several minutes his jaw began to feel a bit sore, but he tried to ignore it the best he could. He experimentally tried pushing more of the length into his mouth and ended up coughing and having to pull back a moment to catch his breath before continuing. Finally and without warning Snape came and, while the taste was odd, Harry swallowed very last bit before slowly sliding the cock out of his mouth, releasing the head with a small pop.

Before Harry had a chance to even really look at Snape, the man grabbed him and yanked him to his feet, pushing him against the side of the stall again. Talented fingers easily pushed aside his Auror robes and pulled open his trousers, reaching inside to grasp his aching hardness firmly. Harry immediately groaned loudly and clung into Snape as the man stroked him expertly, the man pressing his face into Harry's neck, kissing and licking and biting into his skin, murmuring words in that seductive tone that was nearly enough to make him cum by itself. Harry didn't understand much of what Snape was saying, only that that silky voice was doing wonderful things to his body. He could hardly keep himself from the constant stream of moans that escaped his throat or the pleading, whispered words of "please" and "dear Merlin" and "oh _God_" and it might have been embarrassing had he been in his right mind. As it was, he was too far gone to know much of anything other than how extraordinary it felt to have Snape so close to him, touching him this way, purring into his ear while that wicked tongue did beautiful things.

"Cum for me, _Harry_," Snape breathed into his ear.

"Oh God," Harry groaned again. One, two strokes later and he was following orders, grasping tightly at Snape's arms as he came.

"Good boy," Snape said with a smirk, stepping back and pulling up his trousers. "Hurry up. We'll be late enough as it is."

Harry sunk back against the stall a bit, fumbling with his pants to pull them up as Snape straightened his robes and walked out of the stall. He made a hurry of pulling his robes back together and stumbling out of the stall as Snape walked out of the lavatory. He felt a bit dazed as he moved over to the sink, running his hands under the faucet and splashing water into his face and running his fingers through his hair.

What the fuck happened?

Still struggling to pull his thoughts together, Harry shook his head and strode out of the restroom towards the Auror Office. He caught sight of Snape walking into the office of the Head Auror, Kingsley Shackelbolt, and moved between the cubicles to follow him.

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The interview with Snape didn't take as long as it had yesterday, mainly due to Kingsley being summoned for a meeting with the Minster of Magic. It had been a long half hour, though, of Harry watching Snape. Nothing seemed different and Harry vaguely wondered if what had happened had merely been a very realistic dream. Surely he had more control than that? It was too strange to have actually happened, right?

It was the smirk Snape shot him before leaving that assured Harry that had been no dream.

The moment he jumped up he quickly followed Snape, looking around him to see how many people were around before hurrying around Snape and stopping in front of him. "What the hell was that?"

Snape raised an eyebrow. "You'll have to be more specific if you expect me to understand what you're babbling about."

"You _know_ what I'm talking about," Harry growled through gritted teeth.

Snape only stared at him.

"In the restroom," he muttered.

"Ahh, that," Snape said, that wicked smirk returning to his face. There was a very nasty gleam in his dark eyes, this one just as foreboding as his look was lustful earlier. Harry swallowed hard and stood his ground, waiting. "That, Potter, was a test. I was curious to see just how…_desperate_…you really were. I was not disappointed."

He felt like a block of ice dropped into his stomach. "You are an arse."

"I always have been," Snape assured him. "Yet you clung onto romantic notions and pitiful _love_ for this arsehole for…how many years?"

Six. He had been in love with him for six years.

Harry said nothing. His heart ached and throbbed painfully in his chest. He watched as Snape chuckled and moved past him, staring into space for several long seconds before blinking and forcing himself to walk back into the Auror Office. There was work to be done and Harry was willing to do anything to be able to focus on anything else. He felt sick to his stomach…Used…And just as pathetic as Snape said he was.

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**Author's Note: **Yay new chapter! I started working on plans for this story, so it should be easier to work on now that I have a good few things figured out for it.

To all of my Lost and Damned readers, I love you guys and I'll try to have the next chapter up tomorrow. I was too excited for this chapter, though, to wait on it lol.

Thanks to everyone who has reviewed the series so far!

Thanks to vampirexsama and Mai Sensei for reviewing To Just Stay Alive! I'm glad you both liked it!

Thanks to Mai Sensei, slytherinfighter2011, vampirexsama, and Carly for reviewing No One Will Ever See!

Thanks to vampirexsama, OliMaMiS, and loves-Severus-10 for reviewing this story!

To answer loves-Severus-10's question, we will be learning about Snape's wife in this story, though I haven't figured out exactly when yet lol!

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys and continues reading! Please review, you know I love them!


	3. Chapter 3

**IF I DON'T BELONG**

_Chapter Three_

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When work was over, there was nothing Harry wanted more than to go straight to the nearest pub. His best friend, Ron Weasley, was all too eager to escape his hormonal and pregnant wife and one year old daughter who couldn't behave and decided to tag along. When best friend Hermione Granger discovered this, she decided to send her fiancé, Neville Longbottom, along with them to keep an eye on them and take care of them. Harry figured it was because of the conversation they had had that morning and she didn't trust Ron to stay sober enough to keep a good eye on him…It didn't matter much to him. He appreciated her concern and Neville was always good company to keep.

"Drinks are on me," Harry announced as he sat at the bar.

He didn't dare touch firewhiskey…That would be for _very_ special occasions, he decided, and opted instead for the rum. He waited in silence for his drink to arrive, wishing he felt nearly as excited as Ron seemed to be. "I love Lavender and Scarlet, but it's good to get out of the house," Ron said merrily, taking a large gulp of his drink once it arrived. "S'just hard, ya know? She's all pregnant and scary again and Scarlet's just been awful lately. Mum keeps taking her side and saying I should basically be her slave since she's carrying my child," Ron muttered, rolling his eyes. "Women are nuts. Gotta love them, but they're bloody mad. With my luck she's having another girl and I'll be surrounded by them."

"That'd be breaking tradition, wouldn't it? Weren't the Weasleys nothing but boys until Ginny?" Neville asked.

"Yep. And my parents have had nothing but grandsons until Scarlet was born," Ron muttered. "My luck I'll be having all the damned daughters."

"Yeah, well, you love Scarlet," Neville said with a shrug.

"Yeah, I didn't say I didn't love 'em," Ron muttered. "Just tired of 'em sometimes." He shook his head. "You know if it's another girl she wants to name her Periwinkle?"

That caught Harry's attention, who turned to Ron with a raised eyebrow.

"Is she serious?" Neville asked with wide eyes.

"Mhm," Ron muttered with a frown. "Indigo, for a boy."

"What is with all of the colors?" Neville asked.

"She's Lavender, her mum's Mauve, her grandmum was Burgundy, her great-grandmum was Ivory…Probably some more than that, I really forgot already. Do know she went through Magenta, Fuchsia, and Cerulean before landing on Periwinkle. I actually dunno that she ruled them out entirely…Dunno why she can't come up with something nice like Scarlet again. Like…like…I dunno, a normal color name."

"Violet…Sienna…" Neville suggested, though he trailed off, not having much more than that.

"Maybe I'll remember to tell her that…No one much likes her names except _her_ mum. Nutters, the lot of 'em," he muttered. "_My_ mum don't care much…She just wants lots and lots of grandkids, even if they are named Indigo and Fuchsia. Oh, speaking of which, Mum says you and Ginny need to make more babies…Dunno if she was kidding or not."

"Hmmm," Harry said, gulping down the rest of his rum and motioning for another one. Neville gave him an odd look that made Harry wonder if Hermione had been telling him a bit too much. Or maybe he was being too obvious…At least Ron didn't seem to be catching on.

"Hope we're not scaring you 'bout marriage, mate," Ron said to Neville. "But it's better you know now before you make that commitment."

"You're not just saying that because you still have feelings for Hermione, are you?" Neville asked, a teasing smile on his face, but the look in his eyes told he held plenty of sympathy for Ron, who he already seemed to know did still have feelings for his ex girlfriend.

"Course not!" Ron said. "I've got a beautiful wife and daughter, crazy as they are."

"You two are perfect for each other," Harry finally said, causing Neville to grin and Ron to look away.

"Just like you and Ginny," Neville said, giving him that look again.

Harry said nothing and went back to his drink. He did his best to focus on the conversation, though he found himself incapable of joining. Ron went on to say how crazy Lavender had been after they got engaged…A real bridezilla, that one had been. She had been gorgeous, though, Ron had said, and their honeymoon had well paid off all of the torment he had suffered that year, if they knew what he meant. Hermione was a rather calm, easy bride, Neville said happily. She wasn't too picky and wanted a small ceremony just as much as Neville did. Ron then explained Lavender's terrifying mood swings and more than welcome horniness during pregnancy and turned to Harry for agreement with how scary Ginny had been during her pregnancy with Evan, but since Ginny was a naturally feisty woman, that only suited her perfectly. Even Hermione was doomed to suffer the insanity all pregnant women suffered, Ron warned, and Neville assured him they didn't intend to start having kids anytime soon, not that there was anything wrong with having children at their age. Harry offered a comment now and then when required to, but found it hard to really get into it.

Snape was right, Harry couldn't help but think as he went through glass after glass of rum and bourbon. He was pathetic. After all of these years and the man still had such a strong affect on him! He had completely bent to the man's will…Gave him a bloody blowjob in a stall in a lavatory where he _worked_. No forethought, no discussion, no nothing preceding…He just let the man snog him and push him down to his knees to get what he wanted. He let Snape see that he _still _loved him. It was sickening.

It was _maddening_. It was awful, how badly Harry had wanted him. How badly Harry loved him. How awful and intense that need for him still was, even after such a cruel ploy.

So he drank and he drank, as if he could swallow back all of these thoughts and memories and feelings until they were gone, or at least hidden for a time. It never seemed to work. He only found himself feeling worse and worse over it all. He didn't even seem to have it in him to be angry with Snape or himself or anyone, only an all consuming depression and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and shame.

Ginny loved him. Ginny would never cheat on him or use him. She had given him a beautiful son, a son he loved more than anything in the whole world. She was good to him and good _for_ him. She was fun and fiery and skilled and she played Quidditch and…she was the perfect woman. They belonged together, didn't they? The whole world seemed to think so. She made more sense than _Snape_ didn't she?

Yet here he was, drinking away his sorrows in a pub, attempting to drown out this unbearable heartache.

"…'m just scared, ya know?" Ron was saying, swaying around in his seat. "Childbirth is horrible. I thought she was gonna break my hand when she was having Scar."

Neville laughed. "Don't you think it was worse on her?"

"I dunno. Kind of scared to know, actually. All I know was that she kept yelling at me and calling me awful names and she kept hitting me and trying to break my hand, she was squeezing so hard. She was bloody scary," Ron said.

Harry wasn't sure what happened, but a few minutes later Ron was falling out of his stool and half onto Harry while he looked wildly around the bar. "Merlin, I think I've seen her!"

"Who?" Neville asked, looking around in confusion.

"Lav! What is she doing here?" Ron was hissing, letting himself slide the rest of the way down onto the floor, hugging his arms around the legs of the barstool. He peeked around the side of it, eyes wide. Harry turned to look with Neville in the direction Ron seemed to be looking.

"Ron, Lavender's not here. She's with Scarlet, isn't she?" Neville asked.

"She could have left her with my mum! Or her mum! My family's big enough to have an open babysitter whenever we need one," Ron was whispering, looking almost as scared as he did around spiders. "Look! There she is!" he said, pointing.

"Ron, that's not Lavender," Harry said.

"It's not?"

"No, though I don't think your wife will be really happy you confused a really fat man for her," Harry said with a grin.

"Is it?" Ron asked, eyes wide and blinking rapidly trying to get a better look.

"Well, to be fair, I think it's a woman," Neville said, tilting his head. "Yeah, it's a woman. I'm the sober one, so you can trust me."

"Oi! I'm plenty sober!" Ron said, using the stool to help get back onto his feet, though he just fell back onto his bum again.

Neville just laughed. "I think it's time we called it a night."

"Bloody hell," Ron muttered. "Can't we just stay here?"

"Not if you don't want your wife to kill you," Neville said, sliding off of the stool and onto his feet.

"I'm not ready to go!" Ron slurred. "Are you ready to go Harry?"

"Not drunk enough yet," Harry muttered, gulping down the rest of his newest drink.

"See!" Ron said, pointing in Harry's general direction, though his arm was swinging all over the place as he attempted (and failed) to hold it steady. "We want to stay!"

"C'mon, we have work in the morning," Neville reminded them. "You want to face Kingsley if you show up to work drunk and hungover?"

"Oh Merlin…Face an angry Lavender or an angry Kingsley…Not many good choices there, mate," Ron grumbled, drinking down more of his own drink and letting out a long belch.

Harry ordered another drink while Neville convinced Ron that it was time to go home and finally Neville was able to somehow get Ron away from the bar and towards the fireplace where they could Floo home (Apparation was not smart business while drunk). Harry didn't recall much of the walk from the bar to the fireplace and didn't even realize he had moved until he was suddenly there and leaning heavily on Neville while his friend struggled to get a stumbling Ron into the fireplace before squeezing in beside him and pulling Harry along with him. It was a tight fit, but Neville managed to keep them in long enough to throw down the Floo powder and transport them into the fireplace in Ron and Lavender's living room.

Harry was the first to stumble out, being the one with easier access to leaving with Neville following suit and catching Ron as he fell out. Lavender Brown-Weasley was sitting on the couch, glowering at them. She wore a very thin and short cream colored negligee and matching high heeled slippers that Harry wondered how she walked in in her condition. Her stomach was large and round at six months pregnant, her arms folded on top of it, her arms placed perfectly to where they managed to push up her pert breasts to make them more prominent in the low cut lingerie. Her dark blond hair fell in beautiful curls around her lovely face, touched up with light traces of make up that could have been leftover from the day or carefully applied recently. Her pale blue eyes were filled with absolute fury that might have been able to give Ginny's glares a run for their money.

"_Where have you been_?" Lavender demanded in a loud whisper. Scarlet must have _just_ fallen asleep.

"You didn't tell her you'd be going to the pub with us?" Neville asked.

"Dun tell her that, Neville!" Ron exclaimed, waving his hand, as though attempting to hit Neville, but he only swung at air.

"_Shhhhhhhhh_!" Lavender hissed. "_You went to the pub_?"

"Mhm," Ron said.

"_Ronald_-!" Lavender growled and stood up, stalking over to him, looking prepared to grab him. Seeming to be distracted momentarily, she looked down at her feet and kicked off her slippers before grabbing Ron by his arms and pulling him along out of the living room and towards their bedroom, hissing in menacing whispers the whole time.

"I hope you at least warned Ginny we'd be going out," Neville said, shaking his head.

"I honestly don't know," Harry grumbled, feeling dread at the thought of returning home, though he wasn't sure if it was out of fear of his wife's reaction or lingering feelings of misery he had been overwhelmed by last night and this morning.

"You know you can always come to Hermione or me if you need us," Neville said after a moment.

"I know," Harry said.

"About anything," Neville continued.

"Got it," Harry said.

The couch looked really welcoming, but it seemed so far away and out of reach. The room started to spin a bit. Harry closed his eyes and backed up a bit into the wall. Merlin, he felt awful! Worse than he had drinking last night…Maybe it was because he was standing up…He could always just sit on the floor and take a short nap. Lavender and Ron were probably too busy fighting to notice…

"You have a really good life, Harry…But you don't really seem happy," Neville said. "Happy men don't leave a beautiful wife and son at home to go get pissed at a bar with friends he ignores the whole night. Something's wrong and I know it…I don't know how much help I can be, but I'm willing to do what I can for you, Harry. Hermione, Ron, and I will be here for you no matter what. You know that?"

"Yeah," Harry said, even though the words weren't really making much sense to him by now. He felt like he might puke and was surprised when he didn't immediately hurl.

"Alright," Neville said hesitantly, as if not sure if he should drop the subject or not. "Let's get you home, then."

Harry didn't remember anything after Neville walked towards him.

The next thing he knew, he was waking up in bed, still fully clothed from last night. He grunted and cringed as he opened his eyes, the light pouring in from the windows feeling like knives to his brain. Two knives through each eye stabbing into his brain repeatedly. Bloody hell it hurt. Even closing his eyes didn't help much. Harry groaned and grabbed the pillow from over his head and held it over his face.

"Morning," said a tired, familiar voice. It felt like two knives stabbing into his brain through his ears now. He grunted in response. Ginny replied with a heavy sigh. Harry felt the bed dip beside him and became aware of his wife laying beside him. "I fire-called Kingsley…Told him you were really sick and that I was going to keep you home today," she whispered. "I also contacted Ryland and told him I wouldn't be in today," she whispered.

Harry had no idea what to say to that.

"I love you, Harry. I love you so much," Ginny said quietly, pressing her lips to his shoulder and snuggling up close beside him. "But you can't do this. You know that, Harry? You can't start getting drunk every night after a hard day at work…I know it's hard, but…you can't be that man, Harry. You're so much better than that-"

Better than what? What was so great about Harry bloody Potter? The Boy Who Lived Again, the Chosen One, the Defeater of the Dark Lord, etcetera? He wanted what he couldn't have and somehow couldn't manage to be happy with the perfect, normal life he always thought he had wanted. He led Ginny on…Letting her think he loved her and letting her love him. He had Ginny and he was lusting after Snape…Daring to _love _Severus Snape when he had her! He _cheated_ on her! God he had never really thought of it that way, had he? He had cheated on his wife…Gave another man head while his wife remained oblivious to his true feelings and real sexual preferences. God, he was disgusting…

"-You're strong-"

Strong? If he was strong, he would have gotten over Snape. If he was strong he would be able to figure out what to do with himself. If he was strong, he would have admitted that this marriage wasn't working and he would have ended it before it had gotten this far. He would end it now, now that he knew just how wrong it was. If he was strong, he would have never let Snape see how he felt. If he was strong, he never would have given into the man's desires. If he was strong, he would have defended himself more against Snape's cruelty. If he was strong, he wouldn't have felt the need to get himself pissed just to deal with the pain. If he was strong…Well, he wasn't really strong, was he?

"-You're going to get through this. _We'll_ get through this. Harry, you have me and you have Hermione and Neville and Ron and I bet even Lavender would be there for you, if you needed her," Ginny said. "You have so many friends and so many people who care about you. We're willing to help you and do what's best for you. You just need to rely on us more than the bottle, you know? And we're here for you, Harry…We always were and we always will be."

Bile rose in his throat. His stomach twisted. He might actually puke now. He wasn't sure if it was because of the alcohol he had consumed or the heavy weight of shame and guilt Ginny's words punched into his system. He really was a complete arse, wasn't he?

"Is it too much? Do you think you need to be taken off of the case?" Ginny was asking.

"No," Harry finally managed to croak out. He managed to force himself to laugh, but it sounded empty. "It's only the second time, Gin…"

"I know, I know…But I don't want anything to start," Ginny said, prodding his chest lightly with her finger. "As Hermione said, we should stop the problem before it becomes a problem."

"Mione said that?" Harry asked.

"Mhm. Last night," Ginny said. "We had dinner together with Evan…Told me you, Ron, and Neville were having a guy's night. We were a bit worried and surprised when Neville had to drag you in here. He's very worried about you…so is Hermione."

"No need to worry. I'm fine," Harry lied. He pushed the pillow off of his head and back under it, still cringing under the light, though he wrapped both arms around Ginny and pulled her close. Her hair smelled like flowers and it was soft against his face and her body was warm and loving beside his.

How could he possibly want anything else?

"You sure?" Ginny asked suspiciously. Harry wondered if Hermione or Neville had said anything, or if their own concern was just rubbing off strongly on Ginny. He had tried to never give her reason to worry about him before.

"I am," he promised. "No need to worry about me. Just been a rough couple of days, but it'll be fine."

"Good," Ginny said with a smile, pushing herself up to press her lips against his. Her lips were full and soft and warm and she tasted like honey and strawberries. She kissed him slowly, tenderly, lovingly. Harry kissed her back and held her close, even if the entire time he wanted to shove her away. He did his best to shove his own thoughts away, pushing images of kissing Snape to the back of his mind. Thin lips and the taste of peppermint and that salty flavor of cum sliding down his throat. It made him want to scream and he couldn't have been more humiliated to notice the bulge now in his pants. Ginny noticed, too, grinning into his mouth and pressing her hand against the hardness. "Mmm…It's been a while," Ginny said quietly, kissing him again.

Evan began screaming right about then, calling out for his mummy. The sound was torture to Harry's brain, who was thinking at that moment how nice it would be to carve it out and feed it to a starving dragon. He would have to keep his promise to Ginny and give her no reasons to worry…Drinking was very, very bad.

It at the very least stopped Ginny. She sighed and dug around in her pocket, setting a small phial of a thick, dark blue liquid onto his stomach. "For the hangover," she said before sliding out of bed and going to tend to their son.

Harry cringed through the pain and reached out to pick up the small phial, turning it around in his fingers. Oh it was tempting…To hopefully have all of this pain just disappear. Maybe he'd stop feeling like he'd be sick at any moment. But…

Reaching over, Harry set the phial on his bedside table and rolled over, burying his head under his pillow.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Author's Note: **Another chapter up! I had lots of inspiration for it. A big thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! Vampirexsama, Dragon Soarer, SakuraMona, and xXxElectraxXx! You guys are great and I appreciate the time everyone took to not only read, but leave a review!

To vampirexsama: Don't go insane! Though to understand Severus's thoughts and feelings here, it might take a while. I'm doing this story strictly from Harry's point of view and keeping all of Severus's meanings a secret. Though I can promise, most questions you might have about him will more than likely be answered as the story progresses. At the moment, only Hermione knows about his preferences (and Snape, obviously), but he might tell someone else.

To Dragon Soarer: To me they all work better as separate stories, but that's just me, I guess, lol. Firewhiskey is a name I considered for the series…Makes sense, lol. I do agree that Sev's personality is a bit extreme, but it's important…Not only because torturing Harry is what makes the story interesting, but it is a big thing that will be revealed later on in the story. I'm glad you still like it, though! As for Evan, I wanted to do something a bit different name-wise. Evan for Evans, Lily's maiden name…A just in case they never had more kids, he wanted to honor both of his parents. Plus James Sirius just sounds retarded to me lol.

To xXxElectraxXx: I'm glad you find it so addicting! I wasn't sure how my Lost and Damned fans would react to this series, but I'm glad you're enjoying it so far!

Please review! You know I love them!


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